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I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s the best they’re going to feel all day. – Dean Martin

Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence. – Hanlon’s Razor

I only drink on two occasions: when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.      – Brendan Behan

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. – W. C. Fields

I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin. – Oscar Levant

Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.- William Shakespeare (Hamlet, Act 1 Scene 3)

If you speak when angry, you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret. – Groucho Marx

An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. – Ambrose Bierce

There was a young man from Bellair, who was shagging his girl on the stair. But the banister broke, so he doubled his stroke and finished her off in mid-air.

It was a typical triumph of modern science to find the one part of Randolph which was not malignant and to remove it. – Evelyn Waugh (upon learning the lung tumor discovered in le fils de Winston Churchill was benign)